As a man, buying personal hygiene products used to be a simple process. You go into the store, you find the cheapest bottle of shampoo, the cheapest pack of soap bars, look for some sort of buy one get twelve free deal on deodorant sticks, buy a 32-pack of disposable razors, a one-gallon canister of shaving cream, throw in some toothpaste and mouthwash, and you're done. All in under 90 seconds.
But men, are we turning into women? I walk into the store now, and the hygiene section is inundated with a wide variety of fragranced products, marketed towards men. I used to ask two simple questions when buying some sort of cleanser for my body. Will it kill germs? Will it cause me to not smell like a sweaty bastard? And generally, the answer to both was yes, unless I happened to be in the wrong aisle at the time…say, the poultry aisle.
Now, I am forced to ask myself all kinds of questions that I never thought I would have to ask, when buying personal hygiene products. Questions like, Viper? Why would I want to smell like a viper? Don't they slither around in the dirt all day? Phoenix? Do they mean like Phoenix, Arizona? I've never been there. Does it smell nice? Clix? C'mon…that's not even a noun. Scratch that. It's not even a word. And if it were a word, it would not be a person, place, or thing. And if it is not one of these items, how am I supposed to know what it smells like?
What happened to a simple bar of soap? Where did all of these 'masculine' body washes come from? Am I going to need some sort of poofy contraption to use this stuff?
I glance at the women's portion of the body cleansing section, which seems to be smaller than the men's portion these days. They have things like, raspberries and lilac. Now that I can understand. I can visualize a raspberry and imagine what it smells like. Also, while I have no idea what a lilac, specifically, smells like, I know that a lilac is a flower, thanks to the fancy packaging. And flowers smell pleasant. They also have things like, pear-scented body spray, and white chocolate mocha. Fantastic. I know what all of those things smell like.
Anyways, I'm standing in the hygiene section at Walgreen's, confounded by the assortment of choices before me, when a young lady approaches and asks,
"Is there anything I can help you with?"
"Well, maybe," I say. "What does Phoenix smell like?"
"What?" she says, quite confused.
"Phoenix, what does it smell like?"
"Uhhh…I've never been," she replies.
"Neither have I," I say. "It just seems like, if I'm going to buy a product that's going to make me smell a certain way, I should probably know what that product smells like, don't ya think?"
"Um…I guess," she says.
"What about snake peel?" I inquire. "I wasn't aware that a snake peel had a particular scent."
"Well, I uh…" she says as she raises an eyebrow. "I don't know."
"This re-load sounds kind of cool," I say. "It kinda sounds like you're reloading a gun or something. But I don't think I'm lookin' for something that sounds good. I want something that smells good. This isn't going to make me smell like a gun is it?"
The young lady scratches her head, and laughs. I think she's laughing at me, not with me, though. "Ya know, it might. I don't think so, though."
"Well, good," I say. "I don't want to smell like a smoking barrel when I get out of the shower. I don't think that will attract the ladies."
"Yeah, I don't know," she says.
"Should I invest in a poof?" I ask.
"What?" She asks through broken laughter.
"Ya know, a poof," I say as I slightly bend my fingers, and jut my hands, back and forth, towards each other. "One of those things, on a string…it's a poof."
"Um…you could just use a washcloth."
"Good idea," I say. "That way I'll feel like a man when I'm applying my body wash."
"Uh…yep."
"Thank you," I say. "You've been a great help. I can see why you work here."
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