Directions from a stoner

I haven't smoked pot, regularly, in about five years. In fact, the last time I smoked at all, was about a year and a half ago. At which point, I was smoking at a rate of about twice every year. I don't want to give the wrong impression. This isn't some self-righteous, anti-drug sermon. I used to partake in rockin' the ganj', smokin' the left-handed cigarettes, sparkin' the doobies, rollin' the blunts, wake 'n' baking, or any other colloquialism that you can relate to. I used to smoke A LOT.
But in my five years of 'clearing the fog,' I've learned a few things. Or perhaps I should say, re-learned a few things. Not one of which is the fact that one needs one's keys the first time that one attempts to get in one's car. I've come to realize that just because you are an ex-stoner, it doesn't mean that you're not going to show up to work, and realize that you've forgotten your shoes (which is a completely different story, for another time).

I've learned that the people at 7-11 will always think that you are a stoner. Seriously, a man can't go into 7-11 at two in the morning, buy a bag of chips, a jar of cheese-dip, a twix bar, a snickers, a pint of ice cream, a box of popcorn, one of those single serving cereals, a half-gallon of milk, and a Gatorade, without the cashiers thinking that he's a stoner? What is this world coming to? I'm just extremely indecisive.

After five years of more-or-less (I don't want to use the word sobriety, because that would imply something that I am not) marijuana abstinence, I think I'm finally starting to realize why people would get so annoyed with me when I was still in a fog. When one is stoned, simple tasks become near-impossible.

I had promised a guy a ride to work. I called him before I left, to get directions.

"Hello, is this John (not his real name)?"

"What's up man?" <---I'll put John in italics

"So...how do I get to your house?"

"huh?"

"You still need a ride, right?"

"Ohhhh...yeah. hehehe."

"Alright, well I need to know how to get to where you are, in order to be where you are, so that I
can get you to where you want to be."

"whoa...that's deep, man"

"Well, I didn't realize I was making such a prophetic statement; however, I still need to know
where you live."

"Oh yeah, man...alright. Do you know where Market street is?"

"No, I do not."

"Wow, that sucks...'cause I do..." (silence)

"Uhhh...O.K. How do I get to Market street?"

"Well, do you know where the Sweet Bay is?"

"Yes, I know where about seven Sweet Bays are."

"Awesome..." (silence)

"Is there one Sweet Bay, in particular, that I should be looking for?"

"Dude, Sweet Bay...Are you going there? Could you pick me up some food?"

"..."

"Are ya still there?"

"You could just hitchhike, ya know?"

"Oh yeah, directions. Do you know where Market Street is?"

"...!"

"Hey....Which way are you coming from?"

"I do not know which way I am coming from, because I do not know where I am going to."

"whoa...that's deep, man."

"...!!"

"Oh yeah, Do you know where Main Street is?"

"Yes I do."

"Well, it's kinda near Market Street. Oh..."

"Alright, how near?"

"Well, ya get on Main Street. Then ya drive a while, and then you'll see Maryland Avenue. But
you don't wanna get on Maryland Avenue. Ya wanna get on Missouri Avenue, which is off of
Maryland Avenue."

"I thought you said that I didn't want to get on Maryland."

"Ya don't, ya want Missouri Avenue."

"Well, how am I supposed to...nevermind. What's after Missouri?"

"Dude, I don't know, you tell me."

"Dammit!"

"No wait...I know...Well, ya go up Missouri Avenue, and I'm right there on the left...on Palm
Street."

"What?!"

"Yeah, Palm Street."

"I thought we were on Missouri."

"No...Why would we be on Missouri? Aren't we in different places?"

"You know what?!! How 'bout I just drive to Main Street? And I'll call you from there. That
sounds like a fantastic idea. Even better, I'll just goto work, and you can call me if figure out how the fuck to get to your house. If you call me before I get to work, then I'll pick you up. If not, well
I suppose you're out of luck."