Ramblings of an irate customer

I walk up to this table, with two elderly women. I attempt to present my required spiel, however am quite rudely interupted by the woman on my right.

"What's with the asparagus?!" she asks.

Well, I suppose that it could just be paragus that tastes like the exit portal for human excrement. Its green? It's a vegetable. It's long and narrow, and some people like to eat it. Any of these could be appropriate responses, however I opt for the correct, 'server' response.

"What?"

"The asparagus!" she sneers, as she points to asparagus on the menu. "Do you have it?"

"Let me check...yes."

"And it's $1.99?"

I look at the menu, where she is pointing, "Move your finger for a second, yes ma'am, the asparagus is $1.99. However, that is the substitution price. Which means that you can substitute the asparagus for your side dish, for $1.99"

"Alright then," she says. "I think I'll have the shrimp....uh...what does that say? oh, linguini, al...al...alfredo. With that, I will have the asparagus, and a Caesar salad."
To which I respond, "Well, with that dinner, the asparagus will be more than $1.99, because the pasta dishes do not come with any sides."

"Well, since when?!!" she yells, as I start to notice the beginnings of an irate customer. "I came in here just last week, and got a side with a pasta dish. You must be new!"

"No," I say. "Regrettably, I've been with the company for five years, now. And we've never served sides with our pastas."
"Well, how much more is it going to be for the asparagus?!" she says, as the inflexion in her voice, tends towards the angry side.

"Probably, about 2 dollars. That's the price of a normal side dish," I reply.

"Well, that doesn't make any sense. And what's with the probably? You don't know how much its going to be?!!! Do you think you could, perhaps, check?!"

"Sure," I say. I walk to the nearest computer, check the price, and return to the table. At this point, the woman has summonsed another server over to the table. Perhaps in hopes, that I was lying to her, as servers so often tend to do, or possibly for some perspective on her glaring lack of intelligence.

"$3.99," I blurt, in the middle of the conversation, to relieve the other server from the incoherent, babble rant of the irate customer.

"Ah...well...I cannot believe this!" The woman says, exacerbated. She violently picks up her menu, then slams it back onto the table. She then proceeds to read the portion of the menu, describing the side items, aloud, as though I am hearing it for the first time. "Accompaniments: unless noted, all entees come with: Freshly baked Cheddar Bay Bisquits, garden or caesar salad, or cole slaw. With the exception of...er...umm (this is where she should have said pasta dishes) entrees also come with baked potato, homestyle mashed potatoes, french fries, wild rice pilaf, or fresh brocolli"

She then points to the substitutions portion of the menu, which quite boldly displays the word substitutions, then explains, in diluted language, that these items may be substituted for any side dish, for an additional upcharge. It then displays each upcharge, paired with its corresponding item. The asparagus, does in fact, have the price $1.99 next to it.

"I don't understand!" she proclaims. "The menu says $1.99! Why are you telling me that I'm going to have to pay $3.99?!"

At this point, I realize that logic is not on my side.

"Well, I apologize," I say, politely. "Perhaps they should write the menu so that people can understand it."

"That's right they should! You tell the chef that if I'm going to have to pay $3.99 for asparagus, he should put that on the menu (I should note that I work in a corporate chain restaurant. Not only do we not have chefs. The chefs that we do not have, do not write the menu.) I don't understand why he would put $1.99. I want to see the manager!"

"Of course," I say.

I inform the manager that the guest on table 81 is deeply disturbed by our asparagus situation. And that she would like to speak with a manager immediately. The manager, quite perplexed, asks me, "what's the asparagus situation?"

"Well, I wasn't aware that there was an asparagus situation either, but as the kind lady on table 81 has so politely pointed out, the language describing our asparagus pricing is quite convoluted, and she is quite confused."

I stand by the bar as I watch the manager approach the table. I'm quite entertained as I notice the woman's arms flailing frantically through the air. The manager's head bobs, slightly, back and forth. After about five minutes of the pantamime show, the manager returns, and says, "She wants the fried shrimp, instead of the pasta. Charge her for the asparagus, and give her a free side of mashed potatoes."

Of course. Mashed potatoes was the answer all along. I now know that when logic fails me, mashed potatoes is the answer. Whenever a guest is confused, I will blurt the phrase, 'mashed potatoes,' and all will be right with the world.

I'll skip the part where the woman informs me, upon recieving her fried shrimp, that she despises anything that is breaded.